Naturally, when we hear the word “selfish,” there’s a negative association with it—we think unkind, thoughtless of others, acquisitive, etc, so much so that many of us will go to great lengths to prove that we are in fact, the opposite. We take pride in never “keeping tabs,” being loyal to a fault, and doing anything else that involves self sacrificing. We like to think that being noble is a part of what helps us maintain our faith in what’s left of humanity. We work diligently to never yield our integrity to only “seen” and/ or fashionable deeds, and most times, many of us aren’t satisfied until we are able to do for others —it feels good to feel needed, intoxicating even. People whose objective is to be as selfless as possible ultimately become so engulfed in the idea of making sure that others feel important, that we sometimes ignore our own desire to want to feel prioritized. Sometimes, it’s hard to find that balance within friendships, relationships, parenting, and jobs because we want to be able to offer as many aspects of ourselves as possible with an unrestricted amount of flexibility—it’s how we express our altruism.
But if I’ve taken care of you, you, and you, where does that leave me?
After doing some refining on my 25th birthday, I have come to realize that for years, I have not exactly nurtured my needs as often as I have done for those who I love and care for. I love so hard and so passionately, and once I feel secure in that way, I will do the unthinkable for a person. I used to go without to make sure people had what they needed. I would offer a listening ear when, truthfully that was all that I needed. I would borrow money from people so that I could gift someone else who asked me to borrow it and then, pay it back myself, never expecting it back. This is not warranting any “atta-boys” but simply to articulate the depth of my attempt to give myself to others, and how it would adversely affect the precedence of my own happiness without learning to generate a balance. It’s not that I didn’t want to feel important to someone; it’s that it had become more of a self fulfilling need to help others in that way—until I was no longer fulfilled.
Keep that same energy.
One of the most challenging things I’ve had to accept is that fact that not everyone has the capacity to mirror your selflessness; even the ones who you care about the most. People will take advantage of you—they will suck you dry if you let them and unfortunately, never think twice about it. I have gotten myself in a host of situations where I have exhausted my funds, my mental and emotional health, my body, etc to accommodate someone else. NEVER AGAIN!!!! I have learned to say, “I love you, but not more than I love me.”
In the words of my good sis, Fantasia: “You can call me selfISH if you want to”
People will try to make you feel guilty for putting yourself, first—for spending your hard earned money on things you enjoy, for paying your bills, first, or for simply saying “I don’t have it (money, time, energy) TO GIVE,” but this is NOT the season of explanations or apologies. You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, nor should you continue to obligate yourself to be the source of it. The core of your joy must be from within. You cannot AFFORD to accommodate someone else’s needs, wants, and desires at the expense of hind sighting your own. Your main priority is to handle things by order of importance, remembering that being selfISH isn’t a bad thing—it’s a necessary thing. Self serving doesn’t mean that I love you any less, it just means that I happen to think highly of myself enough to know that I deserve to be my FIRST priority, and
